love

Why is it I only think of something to say late at night? Brain going into overdrive the minute the tv;s turned off, nothing else to concentrate on except my thoughts.
I'm in love with a man. He's not in love with me though. He was, or at least I thought he was - now I'm not so sure he knows what love means. It's been over for five months, and it was only a 6 months relationship, plus tht awkward month at the end. But I mean what I say, or at least I try to, and I really meant it when I said I loved him. I find it so hard to get over something like that, I wish I didn't. I wish I was the kind of person that can just walk away and be over it (like he was) but it's just not me. I say 'I wish' a lot though. I'd describe my self as an optimistic realist- I always hope that things will turn out wonderful but am painfully aware that they rarely do seem to.
I'm still imagining every night, what I would do if he knocked on my door. Would I say I love him and take him back, no matter how difficult our relationship was before, how painful and sad it was all the time?. Or would I take the high road? Tell him he treated me bad, that I deserve better and that I'm not going to give him the chance to put me through this punishing hurt all over again. Because it was  a bad relationship if I'm honest. But I also think we would have gotten through it eventually and it could have been wonderful. We both have our problems but together could we deal with it? Or would it just have been painful and sad forever? I don't know. I guess that's the point. I don't know and let's face it, there's very little real chance of me ever finding out if we could have made it work. But that just makes me sad again and wish we could.
Maybe I'm just being pathetic, tell me to buck up and get over it, he probably wasn't worth it if he couldn't be bothered to try. Maybe I'm just writing this to be cathartic, get it out my system, maybe if I say it enough I'll get over it. Probably no-one will ever read this, but is that really the point? I'm doing this for me, not for you. But maybe now it's done I can get on with writing something more interesting. If I have it in me!
I do feel a bit better now, bed time - see if lying in bed alone is any better tonight now.

I'm sad, and lonely... Like a billion other people on this little green planet. So's he. Doesn't that mean we lonely people should maybe stick together? Gah, I want to be over this but Valentines is coming up and like Christmas, it's gonna be hell. My birthday soon too. Maybe when they're over I'll start to feel better get used to being alone again. But it's my party and I'll cry if I want to!
Night x